One of my first jobs was working in a retail store in New Zealand selling various grades of electrical equipment.  If you don't believe me, then have a look at the above photo of me all dressed up at the job, with a tie and an amazingly smily chirpy teenaged face.  

So today I am going to impart to you the special 10 step retail sales training method I learned, which was something like the following:

1. Walk up to the person and smile.  Make sure that you smile with both sides of your face at once, because if you do one side then the other it looks sarcastic.
2. Say “How may I help you?”  Ah you see this is a clever line because it’s an open ended question and they can’t just say yes or no.  Although in reality, they can and often do just say yes or no.
3. When they respond, engage in some way by pretending you’re interested in something about them.  Acting classes help.
4. Then steer the conversation away from them, and back to the thing they are interested in buying.  DON’T let them buy it yet, no, that would be ridiculous, there are many more steps to go.
5. Ask them about how they envision using the thing that they are looking at buying.  If they don’t know anything about the thing, then this will make them feel very uncomfortable and probably quite silly.  But it’s an important part of the process.
6. Now taking into account what they said about how they’d like to use the product, deduct which of the varieties might suit them the most and make a mental list in your head.
7. Pick three of the things, one that is rubbish and cheap, one that is perfectly ok and moderately priced, and one which is negligibly better and ridiculously priced. 
8. Now start by telling them about the cheap one, starting by seeming enthusiastic, but quickly moving to how rubbish it is.  A convincing method is to whack the product on a bench and watch it crumble in front of their eyes.
9. Now move onto the perfectly ok and mid priced product.  In a very matter of fact way, tell them that it’s pretty good and if they’re an average person then maybe it would be ok for them, if they’re average, and they want everyone to know about their averageness.
10. Now move onto the product that is marginally better but ridiculously priced.  Now bring back the aforementioned acting skills, and in an over-enthusiastic way tell them all the technical detail you know about the product, most of which will be completely over their heads and will basically bamboozle them into buying.  If they look like they’re not sure, just speed up and tell them more things about it, with a bigger and bigger smile as you go.
11. Now ask them to buy it.  If they say no, look at them with a confused face, and repeat step 10 until they say yes.

Ok so that’s all 11 steps of the 10 step sales process.  I can hear your amazement through the Internet wires.  “Richard!” you’re saying with a confused and bewildered look on your face, “How can you be so generous to give away these amazing secrets!  I’m going off right now to get a job in retail myself and am looking forward to watching the cheques flood in!”.  Well I’m going to take it a step further and tell you my secret 2 step sales method which is even more amazing. 

But before you read any further, I want you to promise to me that if you go and get a job in retail and use this method then you will share a percentage of your profits with me.  Ok?  In fact I’m going to need you to sign before you read any further:

Signed: _________________  Print Name: __________________

Ok so here’s the abbreviated retail sales 2-step method extraordinary, otherwise known as ARS2ME.

1. Walk up to the person in the shop and note what they’re looking at
2. Ask them if they want to buy it
3. If they say yes, get them one, and if they say no, leave them along and find the next person

Enjoy your riches.

Richard

I’m off to NZ and Aussie for a few weeks soon, and thought I’d take it seriously this time and set some proper goals.  So this is my list of things I aim to achieve:

1. Catch up on my yearly quota of pies from Orewa, all in one day, BYO defibrillator.  
2. Cross the Redhorn Path on the Misty Mountains, with eight of my most magical friends.
3. Open up a real kiwi and see if the insides are green and pippy.
4. Settle the argument once and for all: Who are better, Aussies or Kiwis?
5. Attempt a coffee from Starbucks, BYO defibrillator.
6. Break out of a NZ jail after being imprisoned for unintentional kiwicide.

Will keep you all updated as I go.

Love Richard