Top 3 Ways to Find Good Coffee and Live a Long Life*

Having lived in the UK a few times before, I had resigned to the fact that coffee I bought out would likely taste like mud that came out of the back of a cow.  In fact in my previous visits I had so much of this cow bottom coffee that I was getting accustomed to it and was looking forward to the sense of familiarity of having it again.  It turned out that the first place I went in London had amongst the best I've ever tasted, which was Speakeasy Espresso and Brew Bar in Canarby.  

So it turns out that I am an expert in finding good coffee shops, in fact I may go as far as calling myself a coffee-hunting mage, or demigod.  I know you're impressed, and the question at the forefront of your mind is "Richard, how can we learned to even be a tenth as good at finding great coffee shops than you?"  Well you're in luck, because that's exactly what I'm going to do.

So here are my top three ways to figure out if a coffee shop is good:

• At least someone working there must have some sort of dangly thing somewhere on their face or head.  It has to be something a bit more than the usual, such as rings through the nose, or those big round things pushed into their earlobes.  The technical reason why this is necessary is far too complex for me to explain to you, but the short version is that it makes the beans happy.
• If you order a coffee that is not one of the main ones (flat white, latte, cappuccino etc), then the eyes of the person behind the counter must light up at least 45%.  This is especially the case if it means that they have to use a different device to make the coffee such as a pour over or Aeropress.  If the eyes light up any less or any more, then the coffee will either be overwhelmed or underwhelmed which has a negative effect on their photons, and therefore their taste.
• There must be at least one choice of coffee which is made on a small farm in a third world country, preferably with the name of the specific farmer, and preferably called Pedro.  Scientifically, coffee works better if it's made by someone who is happy, and who could be happier than someone with a name as great as Pedro?  That last question was rhetorical, don't even bother trying to answer it.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking it so loudly that I can hear it.  You're thinking "Richard, this is way too much for a normal person to take on, stop showing off your expert skills, and take off that stupid propeller hat."  Seriously though, take the time and effort to learn the above three tips.  It would be ridiculous to try to master them all at once, so maybe try one a year for the next three years.  And then maybe one day, you will enjoy the abundant life of a coffee hunting demigod mage aficionado.  Maybe.  

Richard Lindesay

* There is no guarantee that any of this will extend your lifespan